The Daily Hassle

Laughs on the go.

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I drink therefore I am.


Okay, so….I'm not a drinker. I never was. I would have two drinks of anything mildly alcoholic and then find an excuse to go home and sleep - or smile stupidly at someone’s story of their recent grandmother’s passing. In the event that I did fall asleep, I always hope that nobody grabbed a permanent marker and drew pictures of glorious genitalia or people having sex all over my face - actually in the circles I travel in, this would be considered a pretty good time.

 

I guess there are some of us born with this sleep drinker genome. Lots of my friends can down scotches, wines, shots, breezers - in one session - and still have the capability of bedding an unknown stranger with flashy movements of limbs and a language a little more identifiable with a Neanderthal. 

 

Not that I'm jealous of this, mind you. Frankly the idea of putting a stranger around my movies and video games collections scare me. THINK ABOUT IT. You just invited a stranger into your house and you wake up in the morning to find missing video games that you once loved more than sexual friv - OKAY - so I just realised why I never got laid in high school. 



I haven't seen a lot of drunken acts simply because I don't surround myself with drunks much. Before the party gets going is when I actually do want to get going. Back to the whole drunken acts thing, I have in fact only seen three of these acts (two of which involve urine) and I have yet to decide which one is the more stupid.

The first such event is outside a party thrown by a group of religious hippies. I forget their name, but I’m pretty sure it started with the letters A-n-t-i... (Oh the irony of any religious group starting with those four letters). So anyway, this girl drank so much and eventually passed out pretty much right near the entrance. I and another lost soul, put on security detail – which was another way of saying loud noises scared us so we’d be better off outside -  came across her at the right time as she was borderline passed out and also simultaneously somehow threw up in her own mouth. We pushed her on to her side and called an ambulance who arrived within a few minutes and high-fived us when they left. This moment also signified the only time someone actually high-fived me in high school. It turned out later that I saved the life of the sister of the school bully who often pushed me out of the way for no reason at all and who gave me the nickname "Buddha" on account of my big belly and the fact that I sat down cross legged. He beat me up significantly less the following year and I took that action as a thank you.



The second drunken instance is when one of my classmates smuggled in some piss (liquor to you Americans) on a school camping hike. One of the boys there drank so much he thought it was a good idea to put a can of baked beans on top of a live but small campfire. Near the time of inevitable explosion, this same fellow (who was of black South African descent) seemed it would be a better idea to urinate on the same can while it was clearly heated. I learned two things that night. One. Not all black men are well endowed. Two. The explosive residue of beans, flying tin shards and pee is more fearful than the explosive residue of beans itself.


"Near the time of inevitable explosion, this same fellow (who was of black South African descent) seemed it would be a better idea to urinate on the same can while it was clearly heated. I learned two things that night. One. Not all black men are well endowed. Two. The explosive residue of beans, flying tin shards and pee is more fearful than the explosive residue of beans itself."



The third story involves myself. Now at no point of this story was I drunk but it just goes to show how alcohol, even the tiniest bit, impairs judgement. Now, after my breakup with my ex-wife, I thought it would be a fantastic idea to go to the local casino and have a bet. And so, after losing my last $1400 in record time (43minutes, 15 seconds), I decided to go home after buying the only alcoholic drink I had that night. Mind you prior to this drink I had three soda waters with lemon and a banana shake, so it wasn't until I was halfway home, until I realised that I had an urgent need to pee. (It is amazing how the will to gamble overcomes any common sense to use the bathroom) I had only drunk half a bottle of beer before deciding not to drink anymore and placed it in the car between my thighs. The conundrum was coming to a point while driving - on deciding whether or not to use the beer bottle as a portable urinal or try to hold it in for 5 minutes until I reached home - Alas, I made it to 4 minutes until I convinced myself that if I held it a minute longer, I would never again attain any ability to get an erection and/or my bladder would implode. I managed to free myself out of my zipper in a few seconds that seemed like painful hours and then, I uttered the only time I said these words while aiming for the top of the beer bottle, while still avoiding any traffic violations.


"God I wish I was smaller".


It didn't work well. And for only the second time in my life, I had wet myself while awake, by the time I came home. Wearing tanned pants was an epic mistake and the only thing I could do to mask the scent of pee from my pants, was to dump the rest of the beer all over myself. Which also contained more pee.


In hindsight, this story would serve me better never seeing the light of day.