The Daily Hassle

Laughs on the go.

relationship sails

 

Whispering sweet nothings like "I love you" and "I just wanna bite yo butt cheeks" isn't really something a 40 year old should be saying. But I am. I didn't know what to make of it at first, I thought maybe, I'd be a bit more mature being in an adult relationship. But I guess it still is kind fun living a love life like you did when you were younger.

Much much much much much much much much much much younger.

So, I think I found the one. Why? because she isn't perfect. Sound weird? Let me explain. There are several reasons you should consider marrying. Similar interests. Similar goals. Similar inner demons. But there's only one reason you should settle.

Farts and Masturbation.

No, hear me out.

What is the use of knowing someone for years on end, knowing each other's flaws, hopes and dreams, bulging pay packet only to get sick of each a day after you marry? Or worse, discover that you can’t play fart games in front of each other, or share with each other when the last time you masturbated. Trust me, if you can’t talk about these weird things when you’re in a relationship, it’s not a real relationship.

If you marry someone you know really well and haven’t shared the most intimate part of your lives with them then my friend, I guarantee, like any Nicholas Cage movie you will stick through that tragedy just to see how it ends. But eventually it will end. Trust me, I've seen all of them. With the exception of “Leaving Las Vegas”. It’s a bad deal.

 “If you marry someone you know really well and haven’t shared the most intimate part of your lives with them then my friend, I guarantee, like any Nicholas Cage movie you will stick through that tragedy just to see how it ends. But eventually it will end. Trust me, I've seen all of them. With the exception of “Leaving Las Vegas”. It’s a bad deal."

 So. Why is this kind of intimacy the right kind?


Easy, vulnerability. You want to really have your pants pulled down in front of a crowd and only then find out who’s got your back? No. You want that crowd laughing, but still having your back. Same thing. You share a fart and she bails on you… she’s not the one. No matter how beautiful or perfect or amazing you think she is. If she look at you farting and says “I can beat that.” – and then proceeds to do something equating a whale’s mating call. Lock that girl down.

There’s another thing you should know before you venture into a relationship.

Low expectations.

Have them.

Guys and girls.

Do not venture into this dark forest and expect there to be a light at the end of it. Go into it holding hands vowing to kick ass of anything that comes at you in this forest. That’s it.

Ladies, don’t tell yourself, you’re going to change that guy to someone you will eventually like. Guys already know if you’re doing that, then you’re doing it to impress your friends, not because you actually love him. Yeah, we’re on to this. We go along with it because, well, sex.

And Gentlemen, don’t try to change the woman. Yeah, I know you won’t. Guys don’t change anyone. We accept people the way they are. But for the sake of equality and of all the feminists that will complain if I don’t write this point, don’t change her. Accept her as she is.

That's the reason why marriages end unexpectedly. Expectations. We expect it to do well, because it was obviously based on clear logical thinking that was leading up to the union. Each partner just thinks it's "where this thing was supposed to go" without questioning whether or not they feel comfortable around: clipping toenails, expelling bodily gasses or loving oneself with a sole audience. (That's as clean as I can put it).

We’d like to think we know the person well.

So fart. And get to know them.

 Temet Nosce. Latin for "know thyself". It's a good saying. We marrying without knowing who we are and what we are really looking for. What you SHOULD be asking yourself in - Latin (just because it's cool) -

Quis est iste homo in infernum... google it.