The Daily Hassle

Laughs on the go.

the next first kiss

 So, it's been a while since I've last kissed someone. 10 years. That last someone, happened to be someone I happened to marry - accidentally. Don't judge me, we all make mistakes. It wasn’t my fault that I fell in love with her before actually telling myself that I need to be happy before marrying them. That’s right, I’m using a woman’s logic, so I can’t be proved wrong.

But seriously. When you love someone, the both of you seem to be aiming for that marriage certificate. Instead, you both should be sitting down together, making a list of things that you need to look for in each other to make each other happy in the future and then making sure you both check each box of happiness before you take that damn plunge. (I’m going to trade mark this and make a short book before I publish this one). Nothing sexist in that statement right? Because it makes sense.

So since my divorce, I closed my heart. Easily done when you don’t trust women anymore. You know you’re not going to love or land up in a trapped relationship, so the only thing you have to do is pretty much be on a one-man panel looking to see if that next lady fills in the selection criteria that you look for. This can be applied to women too, but they can write their own damn book on the matter, god damn bunch of moochers.

There’s lot of things you can look for in your perfect girl. But mind you for men, it’s a case of beggars can’t be choosers. You can’t go looking for Rihanna when you look like Jay-Z. Even with Jay-Z money. There are some things that don’t make sense. No matter how much money is involved.

But you can aim for between a 5 to 7 and more than likely get them. There’s lots of them around. I like this range of women. 5 to 7’s are pretty down to earth and they know they’re not perfect so they’ll be themselves and allow you to be yourself. I personally don’t want 10s because they are high maintenance and more than likely going to use you like disposable napkins. They know they’re good and this is dangerous.

I don’t acknowledge 10s in my presence anymore. Yeah, they probably assume I’m gay. When they see I’m not gay, they get confused as to why I’m not throwing my pheromones in their direction. I like to leave them like this. In a state of perplexity where they belong.

You can choose good looks, intelligence, humour – you won’t get all three though (This is known as the Bermuda Triangle). The most common ‘want‘ is a good body, legs, boobs, you name it. Me? I want someone to kiss me like they miss me. I know, I know. I stole that line from Deadpool.

 

Kissing a girl I can trust. That’s something right. Beautiful lips. Sexier when they bite it on the corner. Yeah, the sexy bite. You know what I mean. Okay I’m getting sidetracked. Now I know it's easier said than done, because I don't know whether this hypothetical girl in the future will be beautiful (highly unlikely), a gymnast (not in my lifetime) or a lady boy from a South East Asian country (more than likely).

“Kissing a girl I can trust. That’s something right. Beautiful lips. Sexier when they bite it on the corner. Yeah, the sexy bite. You know what I mean. Okay I’m getting sidetracked. Now I know it's easier said than done, because I don't know whether this hypothetical girl in the future will be beautiful (highly unlikely), a gymnast (not in my lifetime) or a lady boy from a South East Asian country (more than likely).

So years flew by until I realised that I'm in that no go zone. The zone where you don't really want to kiss or do anything else again because it’s been too damn long. There is a good chance I don't know what the hell to do with my lips anymore.

The last thing I want to do is put my hands on someone that has more experience than me. It's like being late for a train and trying to grab on to the side handle at the last caboose from the outside, while it's already ready reached its full speed. Your hand then beautifully detaches itself from your body and someone captures and uploads it on youtube. It's just going to get messy and someone else is going to laugh at you calling you an idiot.

My lack of physical ‘tampering’ is a little embarrassing. I compensate this by lying when I'm with my friends. While they would reminisce about all the girlfriends they had in the past, I would lay down some of the most fantastic stories ever. In reality I would talk about that same one girl changing details every time I start a new story. All this, just so my "love life CV" wouldn't look so empty.

“My lack of physical ‘tampering’ is a little embarrassing. I compensate this by lying when I'm with my friends. While they would reminisce about all the girlfriends they had in the past, I would lay down some of the most fantastic stories ever. In reality I would talk about that same one girl changing details every time I start a new story. All this, just so my "love life CV" wouldn't look so empty.”

So one day on a date, I decided to ask this new girl if I could kiss her. However, before I got to asking her, it just happened. BOOM! Just as I foresaw it, the most wonderful yet clumsy meeting of mouths.

I was pretty sure that I was over anxious about the whole affair and may have head butted her a few times. In my heart I hoped I didn't resemble one of those little aliens from those ALIENS movies. The one where the alien’s tongue turn out to be a little alien of it's own.

So I was a little over ambitious and a bit rusty, but hey, as they say, practice makes perfect. I'm sure it will only get better after a while.

She's from South East Asia. Her voice is a little deep, but I sense good things.