The Daily Hassle

Laughs on the go.

bug out

 

I have fears, like many people.

 

STDs. Moth’s flying directly at my nostril holes. The cancellation of Game of Thrones.

 

But my worst fear is spiders. Arachnophobia. If I see a big bag of NOPE in my room, I will refuse to sleep in it. There’s lots of things to be afraid of. The thing that gave me a serious case of the willies is that time when I watched a youtube video and saw a spider living in someone’s ear canal. I could literally see all 14 eyeballs looking out of this dude’s ear canal.

 

They tried several times to get that little bugger out and every time that little bastard kept burying itself further inside the ear.

 

So one day, I was awoken at four in the morning with the touch of some insect crawling on my forearm. Naturally, the first thing I start to do is panic. I'm not sure what touched me, but human nature tells me it's more than likely the biggest spider on the planet or a miniature sloth. With lightning reflexes I brush off the mystery bug from my person so fast that hummingbird wings and warp speeds from the USS Enterprise pale in comparison. I also exude a sound that Mexicans/Middle Eastern Tribes make when they celebrate something.

 

I retreat in a blur in the opposite direction with my back pressed firmly on the wall on the other side of my bedroom and make a secondary sound that was a combination of nausea and fear.

 

I can’t see. It’s still dark. I make my eyes wider to activate my cat like night vision. I realise then. I am not a cat. Crap.

 

Keeping my eyes fixed on the general direction of this insecticidal dawn attack, I feel around the wall and eventually locate the light switch. The light is on and I see nothing out of place. Having not identified this creepy crawly, I panic even more. I tell myself – “Fuck. It knows how to hide.”

 

“Keeping my eyes fixed on the general direction of this insecticidal dawn attack, I feel around the wall and eventually locate the light switch. The light is on and I see nothing out of place. Having not identified this creepy crawly, I panic even more. I tell myself – “Fuck. It knows how to hide.””

 

I know it's in here. Somewhere within the crevices of my room. Perhaps on top of the curtains. Behind the bedside cabinets. On top of the TV. It's watching and waiting for me to sleep again so it can fuck with my head. My wild imagination thinks about a slender yet muscular spider all dressed up in ghillie suit setting its cross-hairs on me. This is what happens when you play Call of Duty too much.

 

“My wild imagination thinks about a slender yet muscular spider all dressed up in ghillie suit setting its cross-hairs on me. This is what happens when you play Call of Duty too much.”

 

So in my Madame Tussaud's wax like appearance, I'm trying to think of every scenario in which I can defeat my invisible foe. A shoe? The bottom half of a detachable pool cue? No, I got it. Hairspray.

 

You never really killed an insect unless it's by hairspray. I discovered this in my younger years in the 80's trying to perfect the seagull hair style with a can of hairspray and a circular brush. Before I knew it, I was being attacked spontaneously by a flying moth that clearly had bad intentions. I pointed the hairspray and sprayed the sucker, freezing it in midair and making it land in a rather weird coital position.

 

Unfortunately Mr. Ghillie spider wasn’t spotted that night. Or the nights that followed. But I sleep at night now with a can of hairspray in one hand and a lighter in the other.
 

This Indian man just created his own flamethrower.

 

Hoo-Rah.