The Daily Hassle

Laughs on the go.

the set up

 

There's a lot of people I know and am surrounded by, who think I'll never survive in this world unless I have a woman by my side – mainly to keep me out of trouble. That's probably true - BUT - I hate being told so.


It’s not like I’m going to set houses on fire. I mean, at my age, it’s hard to physically run away from the scene of a crime. Coppers would probably catch me about 20 meters away from the burning embers, breathing heavily with sweaty cheeks.

 
They would pull up alongside me and I’d just nod to them and say, “If I confess, can you take me though a drive thru?”

 

I don’t know how, but I do know that I would like to have kids one day. For this reason alone, I will have to sacrifice the single life and finally get married. By single life I mean the queen sized bed I share with two unicorn shaped pillows while abusing my body like birthday party of one.


 

“I don’t know how, but I do know that I would like to have kids one day. For this reason alone, I will have to sacrifice the single life and finally get married. By single life I mean the queen size bed I share with two unicorn shaped pillows while abusing my body like birthday party of one.”

 

So I noticed in the last few weeks, a lot of my friends have been trying to set me up with women who they think would make a good match with me. However, it's not that I don't want to find that " perfect" mate, but I am fussy...not in terms of looks, because I think most women (I'm realistic) are very beautiful in looks or personality and I'm fine with either.

Its laughter that interests me.

 
And by that I mean funny.

 
See I love making people laugh, but I don’t think I can ever be married or stay in a long term relationship with a person unless they can make me laugh a bit.

So this is kind of like her essential criteria of getting the job.

I remember when I was married before. Yup, someone once actually considered spending their life with me. The girl I married had no sense of humour. So why did I marry her?

Chalk it down to me being young and experienced and also I thought it was the only way I could get laid.

 

True Story.

 

Well, maybe a little bit more than that. I was attracted to the sound of her soothing voice. It was kinda in between Sarah Silverman and Bea Arthur. Yes, two of the most annoying voices on the silver screen equals a rather pleasant voice. However, two of the funniest women on the silver screen too. Funny is always sexy to me.

Maybe that’s why I fell in love with her.

I secretly hoped that she would moonlight as a comedian and then come home and make crazy love to me while whispering filthy jokes in my ear.

Alas there were not many incidences of crazy love. With each other anyway. I can’t prove it, but I’m pretty sure she cheated on me. Note to self: Never trust an accountant.

 So dating for a few years after that, I still haven't met any funny women in my life. I don’t want Bozo the clown under the bed sheets or anything. However, If I can get a joke thrown my way once in a while – especially that really dark humour where you look over your shoulder twice to make sure you’re not hurting any millennials’ feelings, nothing would make me happier.

 
It would tell me that the girl likes a laugh and probably doesn't mind being laughed at.

 

This will be important later on in the relationship when she asks the imminent question:

“Do I look fat in this?" and I can say "Bitch, you know you do!" without fear of a retaliatory stabbing in the eye.

 

See, there's a deeper understanding to my actions.