The Daily Hassle

Laughs on the go.

the interview


When you have anxiety, interviews are about as nerve wrecking as defusing a ticking time bomb.
 

Both interviews and defusing, carry out the same level of relief when it's all over. There's a big sigh, I can't remember what was going on during the whole process except that I drank an unusually large amount of water and at the end of it there's always someone shaking my hand and saying thanks for my time.


Yesterday I went to an interview for an high level position, and feeling a little nervous the day before, I thought it would add to my advantage if I could calm my nerves down with a relaxant a bit before the meeting. Even set my alarm to it.

 

So, I took half a tablet of Valium around 12pm and thought that that would be enough time for it to take effect before the 2:30pm interview. I decided to order pizza as I rarely have it and it gets me in a happy mood. Pizza was there by 12:30 and by the time I got it inside the house and eating a few slices of melted cheese. I was feeling happy and relaxed.


At 2:30pm, I was in the waiting room. That Valium left me fully relaxed. I was in the waiting room and the chair on which I was sitting, looked good enough to sleep on. I had a dumb smile on my face and that after taste of pizza almost left me high. I was still partially nervous so I tried to do some deep breathing exercises, which worked so effectively, I fell asleep.

 
The only problem is, whenever I go to bed happy, relaxed and with my tummy filled with pizza, I start having erotic thoughts. Ok, so that was a lie. I have erotic thoughts regardless of what I eat or what mood I’m in. Anyway, I was admittedly having dirty thoughts about that girl I have a crush on in the corner deli. Offering me a lottery ticket so seductively. Unbuttoning the top button in her figure hugging red sleeveless t-shirt because she insisted she got a little warm the moment I walked in the door.

 She stared deep into my eyes and then looked me over.

 She said, “Jonathan, I want you now.”


Then I woke up. I was staring at the buzzing florescent lights above me.

The receptionist outside the interview room spoke.

 “Jonathan, they want you now.”
 

I scrambled briefly to gather my thoughts and took a half second to figure out I wasn’t in a deli. I wiped the familiar feeling of drool on the side of my mouth and stood up and walked semi-confidently telling myself that I got it together before the panel had suspected anything.
 
The deep breathing worked, I wasn’t nervous. But just in case I started to get nervous, I told myself to try the old trick of picturing the interview panel with their clothes off to keep me relaxed.

Fate was cruel. One of them was gorgeous and this only left me staring at her in a state of excitement. Such that, it would have been unwise to stand up immediately.

 
“The deep breathing worked, I wasn’t nervous. But just in case I started to get nervous, I told myself to try the old trick of picturing the interview panel with their clothes off to keep me relaxed.

Fate was cruel. One of them was gorgeous and this only left me staring at her in a state of excitement. Such that, it would have been unwise to stand up immediately.”
 

It was the quickest interview I've ever had. I answered every question like it was an Olympic event and every time I reached for the water, the panel kept interrupting me with a question that I answered just as quickly as the one preceding it. I think at one stage, I answered one question with "Whatever dude!".


So after the interview was over, someone shook my hand and said thanks for my time and then suddenly when I stood up they seemed to hurriedly push me out the door.


In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to stand up without looking down first, but on the upside I did get some well-deserved sleep in the car driving home.


F*cking Valium.