The Daily Hassle

Laughs on the go.

happy halloween

 

I've seen a lot of scary things in my life. The scariest being a film about natural childbirth.

Damn.

After watching that, I had the same stupid look on my face when I watch one of David Attenborough’s Wildlife films where a pack of hyenas takes apart a zebra carcass. I also didn’t argue with any woman as I knew that if it came down to a fight, they can take the pain and then beat me up with that potential apex predator like scream.

Ok, a little off topic, but I thought I’d talk about one of my favourite holidays only recently endorsed in Australia as a fun (American) pastime.  Australians really didn’t get the whole dressing up as something scary as there’s literally a million things that can kill you in your own backyard. Hence they live with that fear that later gives them the “laughing at the face of death” attitude when dealing with death defying situations.

Halloween is probably the only holiday that benefits kids. Going up to someone’s house, where the dweller HAS to give you foods that are so sickly sweet - that the only way to eat them is in one complete setting

Which is why most kids probably have nightmares that night.

The adults that try to get candy that night end up getting diabetes. Which is equally as scary.

So since I’m already a diabetic, on Halloween this year, I tried to look for a costume and sack because I didn't want to feel left out of this celebratory day. Okay, I'm 44 - nearly an adult - but don't I deserve a little attention now and then?

And so I dressed up in black and wore an old fashioned robber's mask and black beanie. To finish this effect, I smeared a little bit of shoe polish on my already brown face.

I thought I'd commence my night of sweet collecting and went next door to my good friend Rod's place. He had a beautiful family and would sometimes invite me to dinner. His wife Charlotte and 6yr old daughter were simply delightful and until this night, they always treated me like one of the family.

After knocking on the door, Rod's little daughter Samantha opened it with looked at me with her beautiful blue eyes.

Before I could greet Samantha, I was greeted with a high pitched scream out of her mouth followed by a tiny leg flying towards my groin region at the speed of light.

That kick sent me blind as I closed my eyes and collapsed like a crack addict right outside Rod's front doorstep. My head was almost buried dead centre on the beautifully displayed "Welcome" mat and the only words that I could think of saying was a muffled "f*ck”.

The last thought I had in my head was "Trick or Treat". I kept repeating this in my semi-catatonic state. I knew I didn't have to wait long for help as Rod would have surely heard his daughters high pitched scream and would be out in a minute to help me up. Being heavy set, I thought I’d at least try to help him out, but helping myself up a little.

Unfortunately, as he opened the door, Rod turned out to be a bit of a girl himself as when and saw me staggering myself up. The sight of a person totally dressed in black with now smeared shoe-polish on his face freaked him out. That combined with his knowledge of the fact that Halloween wasn't celebrated in Australia, forced him to act in his daughter footsteps (literally) and proceeded to kick me in the groin.

I went down again for the second time tonight like a salmon with no will to live. The last thing I said before passing out from the pain and my low blood sugar was "feed me".

I woke up a about an hour later in the same place and instead of knocking on my door to explain the situation and risk having my genitals turned into putty, I picked myself up and slowly hobbled backed in pain to my house.

I stopped almost immediately to see a teenager just passing me in the front of my house with a bag full of goodies and a proud smile on his face. Coincidentally he was dressed up as a robber too.

He stopped to look at me and said "Trick or treat" holding out his apparently heavy bag of goodies.

I smiled. I put my hand in my sack and asked him to hold his bag, as he held it high, I pretended to take something out of my bag and put it in his.

But in actual fact I was shamelessly stealing a pack of M&Ms from his bag and placing it in mine.

I wasn't about to go home and not have this night be a failure.

The teenager noticed his missing M&Ms and started to confront me about this.

Still in pain, hungry and frustrated, I just quickly kneed him in his junk and heard his howl of pain before going down for the count. I walked past him, opened up my newly acquired packet of M&Ms and started eating it quickly. As I approached and opened my door, I looked back at the shameless act I just committed, smiled with fresh chocolate staining my teeth and shouted at the poor kid.

"F*ck Halloween!”

I'm turning 46 in December. I'll mature then.