The Daily Hassle

Laughs on the go.

the trojan horse

 
Kids often play with their toys. The more buttons it has, the weirder the sounds, the more interesting it is and thus the longer they play with it. Of course, everything these days eventually it breaks. It’s almost like a rule. And it usually happens when kids want to test their strength or patience with said toy. So to a further degree this rule can be extended in our lives. Toys will break. Hearts will break. Relationships will break - even with an extended warranty. All because we want to test it rather than enjoy it.

My philosophies are f**king epic. I know this.

So this story begins. One night on a Sunday, we had dinner guests. I noticed that one of
our family friend's kids, Helen, was playing with a toy cellular phone. Why give a kid a toy mobile phone without charging them minute rates when they use it, I don’t know.

 Now there was something else that I was thinking...
 
Everybody these days has a phone right? And we all complain about getting a big bill at the end of every month. After all, our greatest monetary enemy of the airwaves is of course the phone company. 

But with smartphones, companies build up phone into probably the most exciting thing since color TV. In fact you can watch TV on the damn phone. The phone can do anything, take decent pics and videos, lets you talk to your loved ones across the globe, play games galore, use maps when you're lost and of course the ever popular sexting.

I still don’t get why guys send dick pics. Are females out there actually responding positively to this? If so, where are they? No, seriously….where? I need to know.

So all of these wonderful technological breadcrumbs with a catch. That being, telephone communication providers offer them to us free with an 18 months contract. Just $60 per month. Free with a contract? What kind of an oxymoron is that?

I looked at my phone and neurons started playing bumper cars. With my eyebrows now raised, my overthinking had uncovered a conspiracy theory. This is a plot. The phone was nothing but a Trojan horse. Yup. That mythical wooden steed sent in as a gift only to be the downfall of the city of Troy. You’ve seen the movie. Where Brad Pitt becomes helpless when he got stuck with an arrow in the foot. Suck it pretty boy.


I saw the parallel meaning behind this. Apart from the obvious immature sexual connotation (condoms -ha!). The whole "beware of Greeks bearing gifts" made sense (I sincerely apologize to Greeks reading this, I swear I didn't make up that saying).

 

“I looked at my phone and neurons started playing bumper cars. With my eyebrows now raised, my overthinking had uncovered a conspiracy theory. This is a plot. The phone was nothing but a Trojan horse. Yup. That mythical wooden steed sent in as a gift only to be the downfall of the city of Troy. You’ve seen the movie. Where Brad Pitt becomes helpless when he got stuck with an arrow in the foot. Suck it pretty boy.”

Alas it was too late. The horse was in the city and we were all asleep. Over 50% of the world is dominated by mobile phones. That's roughly about 4 billion phones. That’s over 60 billion buttons. Our city was being conquered and overrun with those phony (pun intended) bastards and there was absolutely nothing that anything could do about it. The world will be conquered by these electronic gadgets becoming self-aware and in the next 10-20 years and we will all become slaves.
 
I snapped.


I snatched the toy phone out of Helen's hand and rampantly stomped on it shuffling my feet like a Rhino putting out a bushfire.

At the top of my voice I shouted “YOU’LL NEVER GET HELEN F*CKERS!!!"


About four other adults in that room immediately had concerns of me being remotely closer than 3 meters from a child. 

That was two days ago and my fiancée still refuses to speak with me until I visit a psychologist.
 
Did I really do a bad thing? I mean. I thought I was the good guy in this story. Well, in the legend of the Trojan horse, there was a line that I liked. Perhaps an ending to the tyranny we face from mobile phone dictatorships and eventual peace for us all.
 
"But this victory brought only more suffering to the Greeks. They were split up by storms and lost their ways to return."
 
Google THAT on your smart phone.