The Daily Hassle

Laughs on the go.

the matriarch

By now, you may have figured out I love movies. Almost anything I watch on the big screen, I pretty much relate to my real life.

 
Like the time Vicky Simonetta tried to ask me out on a date (sources told me she was a real life vampire) so I kept on refusing. My friend Rob who kept overhearing her asking me out complained so much on why she didn’t ask him out that she eventually went out with him instead. We never heard from Rob again. 


Anyway, to get back to my original point; for the instance of Vicky the vampire, I can draw close parallels to the bullet dodge scene from the movie, The Matrix.

Years later, I found myself in the movie theatre with my current girlfriend and I just finished watching "The Matrix Reloaded". The special effects were so damn good, I came out of the theatre wanting more.

Not JUST the special effects; the story, the cryptic codes, the fight scenes, the close links between philosophy and computer lingo, the cool sex scenes and the terrible acting. It's amazing the degree to which movies today astound us. The ability to take an idea and make you believe - if only for a few hours - that you are actually in another world.

 Most of my family reunions have the same effect. Most of my family belong in another world.

The thing that did annoy me however during the movie, was the constant kissing scenes between the protagonist Neo and his love interest, Trinity. At several points during the movie, I muttered under my breath, “Get a room!"..... making my girlfriend cackle hysterically. Apart from the whole movie, I found this part a little unbelievable. You have a million sentinel machines that look like robotic tadpoles with gigantism ready to pounce on you and you think you have time for feelings? Eat a bag of dicks!


“Apart from the whole movie, I found this part a little unbelievable. You have a million sentinel machines that look like robotic tadpoles with gigantism ready to pounce on you and you think you have time for feelings? Eat a bag of dicks!”

 

So even though I enjoyed the movie as a whole, I didn’t particularly enjoy a few unrealistic parts of the movie.

A realistic yet negative aspect of watching this movie is that these days movies over two hours don't have "intermissions" in it. Hence somewhere in the last hour, due to the constant stream of soda I had been pumping in my diabetic body I really had to take a pee. I kept thinking I should have stolen my grandpa’s incontinence diapers in situations exactly like this (and poker).


As I got up to go, I swore I heard a whole bunch of "Tch, Tch, Tch's" - as if to imply I'm really going to miss out on something special during my toilet break. Assholes.

As always, movie theatre toilet stalls to me were comparable to the first aftermath scene in Saving Private Ryan. It was a real mess, and you needed the skills of a Chinese acrobat not to get someone else's cooties on you! F*ck you cinema toilets!

“As always, movie theatre toilet stalls to me were comparable to the first aftermath scene in Saving Private Ryan. It was a real mess, and you needed the skills of a Chinese acrobat not to get someone else's cooties on you! F*ck you cinema toilets!”


The worst thing that happened when I sat back down when returning from my unscheduled pee break during this movie was getting shushed by my own girlfriend when I asked if I missed anything good! I mean I paid for the god damn tickets, so I deserve the commentary.

At the end of the movie, I was on a movie high. I'm sure this happens to guys after all kick ass action movies. I was moving my hands in a Kung-Fu like fashion, as I was still impressed by the fight scenes and special effects. We guys get that feeling that somehow watching a movie like this would make us know Kung-Fu.

My girlfriend looked at me and said "Y‘know....You're no Neo."

I looked at her, paused for a moment, gently laughed and said “Well... You're no Trinity, babe"

It's been a week and she still won't return my calls.

 
Curse my perfectly awesome-timed comebacks.