The Daily Hassle

Laughs on the go.

e.t. – extra thick

 

The other day, I was asked about my beliefs. More specifically, whether or not I believe in Aliens. I pondered on that for about 10 seconds, and I realised I didn't - mainly because 1. I never saw one, I think; and B. any subject which correlates directly with movie box office hits are either extinct or usually do not exist.


However, I did wish there were such things or beings. in today's world. Something to really shake up our current drab existence. Something to prove that we as a species are not the smartest things in the universe. We need something to hover over our right shoulder and make us realise that we're doing it wrong. What's 'it'? IT is the way we do things. Polluting the earth, causing wars for profit and power, watching Asian dwarf porn at 3 in the morning.  You know, shit that we shouldn't be too proud of getting away with. Sorry, also, I meant Asian little people porn. I think the term "dwarf" is somewhat politically incorrect.


I digress.


“We need something to hover over our right shoulder and make us realise that we're doing it wrong. What's 'it'? IT is the way we do things. Polluting the earth, causing wars for profit and power, watching Asian dwarf porn at 3 in the morning.  You know, shit that we shouldn't be too proud of getting away with. Sorry, also, I meant Asian little people porn. I think the term "dwarf" is somewhat politically incorrect.”

 


I mean, wouldn't it be such a kick in the proverbial gonads for a flying saucer to land on Earth right now? A little green man pops out, carries a wooden stake with a blank sign attached to it. It plunges the stake into the ground, magically produces a writing implement from its bootyhole, and then grades us as a species.


“C minus – needs improvement.”

 Yeah. We do.

 
The alien gets back on the flying saucer and takes off simultaneously giving us both middle fingers.

I mean that’s like 50% of it’s fingers. That’s an effective bird flip.

Why would they come here anyway? You weigh the cons of visiting earth with the pros, which one would YOU expect to have more weight? The greatest thing that this world has produced is love - yet so many suffer because of it. Next to that, the most mass-produced substances are rice, carbon dioxide and used nappies (a direct byproduct of love). The best role model - No one. Why? because they had the common sense to kill themselves in the late 60's and 70's. The icons we have today are corrupt, sex hungry, idiots who crave attention and adhere more to popularity rather than to morals. I’m looking at you Kim K and Ms. Minaj. Tone down the IG pics. There are god damn children present.


“The best role model - No one. Why? because they had the common sense to kill themselves in the late 60's and 70's. The icons we have today are corrupt, sex hungry, idiots who crave attention and adhere more to popularity rather than to morals. I’m looking at you Kim K and Ms. Minaj. Tone down the IG pics. There are god damn children present”

Finally, we treat smart kids like trash. Why is that? Kids are to be victimized because of their intelligence? Think about that! Because the aliens who may or may not be hovering the earth right now certainly did! That’s right. Look at the movies about aliens. Small people that do smart things. Who are the smartest people on earth? The Asians. Who are the smartest? The Asians! What do we do in school? We pick on them because they are different.

 
Do Aliens really need to put up with sort of crap from us? Do we really need the added pressure of putting humanity's future in the hands of high school bullies? I mean one alien wedgie, and we're all vaporized to dust. If you don’t understand what I’m talking about, see every school shooting ever.  If you’re shocked then you weren’t bullied as a kid.

 People of Earth, it's not too late. We can ask for an extension on our humanity report and aim for a B+.

 
Or just copy the Asian kid.